Personal trainer haiku

Today I had my first session with my personal trainer. I’m too tired to properly blog about it. So here’s my experience in haiku form. I’m saving my energy.
Personal trainer:
Evan Settle, owner, Sweat.
“There are no shortcuts.” 


My goals: drop ten pounds,
get rid of my belly fat,
improve my posture.

First weekly session.
Took my weight and measurements,
then he kicked my butt.

Started on treadmill,
then he made me do lunges.
I’m so out of shape.

I don’t understand
why moving my own body
is so exhausting.

I lie on a mat,
arms above my head, legs straight.
Then limbs point up. (Not.)

One leg back on stairs.
Face forward, dip other leg.
Fear it will give out.

Kettlebell: I could tell from his face that I was endangering myself with this thing.

Lots of squatting stuff.
Why the hell is this so hard?
I mean, it’s bending.

He pries shoulders back.
It reminds me of my dad
at the stupid mall.

He explains muscles,
the ones you need for posture.
Too tired to hear.

It was all basic.
Basic stuff is exhausting.
I’m so pathetic.

After two attempts
with the stupid kettlebell
he just had me stop.

Finished with some squats.
I was panting, taking breaks.
Doing freakin’ squats.

After shaking hands,
I spilled into Shockoe Slip,
hoping knees would hold.

If I had been jumped
in the spooky parking deck,
it would be over.

Barely drove my car;
felt like I’d just given blood.
Held railings at home.

I should have held out
for Prince Daniel of Sweden.
But now it’s too late.

Coping strategy:
Pretend I’m recovering
from a surgery.

Refuse to admit
that I have let myself go.
Think of fatter friends.



12 responses to “Personal trainer haiku

  1. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
    P.S. You crack me up!

  2. Ha ha. So glad I’ve continued to play tennis, bike, do yoga, and go to the gym. Even at that i still have times where I feel out of shape. It really is important to stay in shape- the older we get the quicker we lose it….

  3. Wendy, so clever! Maybe after a few sessions you can give me a few bicep tips! 🙂

  4. I promise it gets better! Just hang in there. So proud of you for walking down this road . . . publicly no less!!

  5. Too funny! Can’t wait to see the results…

  6. Hey, you can do this! You think it hurts today? Sorry to tell you, tomorrow will be worse, but you my friend, will prevail, I KNOW!!!! I am glad you like Evan, he is a great guy. Keep it up and you will stop hurting and be able to breathe in no time. Make us proud Wend!

  7. I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it a million more times…you are the funniest person on the planet. Who else would write a haiku about a workout??? The workout may have whooped you but who else could organize such a phenomenal cookies for kids cancer effort? Who I ask???

  8. Yep, should have listened to Dad in the mall! Can hear it now, “Dad, when you’re 13 years old and starting to get boobs, you don’t go around with your shoulders back and your chest out!”

    Sorry for the pain, but your comments about it were hilarious. Keep it up. He can’t be worse than Dan? Just 25 years later? Aye, there’s the rub!

    • Dad, I didn’t get boobs until I went to college because Dan Doherty ran all the body fat off of me in high school. I thnk Darcy said that (when she was 16 or something because NONE of us had boobs at 13). I just remember you trying to pry my shoulders back when we were in public and I was slouching. Sticking your thumbs into some tender part of my back. Ouch. 🙂 I am so sore today I can’t sit properly. And if you’d seen what I did yesterday, it TOTALLY doesn’t warrant the pain. Basic body motions and I’m in agony now. I’m so out of shape. Yes, 25 years is the rub.

  9. Hhhhmmmm, Scooter, maybe the memory was, “Dad, when you’re 13 and have NO boobs, you don’t go around with shoulders back and chest out?” But I’m still pretty sure it was you. We thought you were going to a gym regularly at something like 6 in the morning?

    • OK, that’s sounding more likely. 🙂 I do work out 2-3 mornings a week with a friend. But it’s all cardio. My knees are weak so I never do anything with them and this trainer just wore them out. That’s what killed me. I have never been that sore in my life.

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